It is the worst feeling in the modern world.
It was the first night of the New Year and I was comfortably crashed on the couch, squinting at the supermoon through the window, singing “moon moon moon moon moon moon moon moon… moo-moo moo-moo-moo moon!” when the sudden urge hit me to do my favorite web search; “what are some cool fighting moves, I want to learn them.”
Fumbling for my phone in my pockets, I came up empty. So I retraced my steps and fumbled around the couch, the commode, the counter, the cookies, the coats… eventually fumbling all the way to the car which is where it hit me like a wrench in the back of the head: I’d lost my phone.
I must have dropped it on the beach because I distinctly remembered searching the web there for “what are some cool movie show ideas, thank you” when sitting with a beach owl while it slept like a turd earlier that evening.
A sleepless night followed and I was out at sunrise the next morning for a frantic search. After eight hours of worry, it turns out I would find my phone in about four minutes. It was frozen to the touch, with a few new, tiny scratches near the “home” button. But after a long charge, both it, and I, came back to life. Curiously, I was no longer interested in doing my web search.
It was just today, as I became overwhelmed by boredom inspired by the ill weather, when I decided to look at some of the various, contraband wildlife selfies I keep on my phone to entertain myself. That’s when I saw this:
Murderball. That is not my pic. I know this because I always do sparrow lips in selfies, and clearly, I’m not doing them. I’m not even in this pic.
Did Berzerker use my phone to take a selfie?
But this is a great time to remind everybody that this is the Internet. This is not a safe, reasonable, or pleasant place to seek the truth. Even worse, this is a low budget blog, run anonymously. You are probably making many, many, dangerous assumptions right now about what you are reading here, and seeing here. Have you read the “About Us” page of this blog recently?
So even though it is entirely possible that this story is being written by a roomful of Eastern Europeans in a dark, well funded troll farm, or an intelligent robot in the basement of some Silicon Valley startup, I’ll share my untrustworthy opinion anyway: as much as I want to believe that Berzerker took this Supermoon Selfie, I don’t.
I think he had Buckets take it.
Look at the angle. I know from experience how difficult it is to get a shot like this lined up, especially with just few minutes before the moon rises out of the frame. I consider it impossible that he could hold the phone with one foot in this position while still having a free talon to take the shot. I know what you’re thinking: “What about the timer?” I’m glad you asked. There is just no way he is smart enough to do that. Please don’t forget this is a beach owl we’re talking about here.
Most damning of all though is the fact the Buckets and Berzerker are almost inseparable, especially on weekends and holidays. We can safely assume that Buckets was there. And if he was not involved in some way, most likely by operating the camera and taking this picture, he would most certainly be in this shot. There is just no way Buckets would sit idly by while Berzerker had all the fun.
As much as I want to believe it, I don’t think this is a real selfie. Sorry if I ruined your weekend by calling into question what would surely have been a miracle and evidence of a major evolutionary leap forward for the beach owl, right up there with mastering the fine art of Marketing or inventing owl sized ATVs.
But then again, you are reading this on the Internet. So maybe what I type here isn’t true at all. Maybe… just maybe… this actually is the first documented evidence that beach owls can (and do) take selfies.