Maria’s New Year Duck Yoga For Fat Ducks With An Especially High Fat Content

maria-new-year-duck-yoga
Maria’s New Year Duck Yoga For Fat Ducks With An Especially High Fat Content

I realize it appears that Maria is taking one of plover scientist Michelle Stantial’s famous yoga classes, but she’s not. She is actually teaching her own yoga class. We know this because Maria has been leaving small, duck-sized posters around LBI’s marsh areas advertising “Maria’s New Year Duck Yoga For Fat Ducks With An Especially High Fat Content.”

This is kind of a big deal. If Maria is successful here, the ability to control and industrialize the food supply would be a major evolutionary leap for beach owls… right up there with inventing small, owl-sized automobiles or tiny missile-based defense systems the beach owls could use to defend the dunes.

It appears she’s not getting any takers yet despite her clever little posters. Maybe she pushed it too far. Her posters contain a variety of bulleted marketing points which may betray her true intentions, welcoming “especially fat ducks”, “lame ducks”, “injured duckies”, “blind ducks”, and “ducks with extra juicy.”

But perhaps her biggest fail of all is the hard sell at the bottom of the poster which reads:

“Lose Fat Instantly. In just a few minutes Maria will turn you into just a pile of bones of feathers.”

Still, it is only a matter of time before the smartest owls such as Maria discover the subtleties of manipulating the fears and desires of ducks with clever marketing. What would happen to our future on the beach after that is anybody’s guess.